Welcome to my little corner of the world, today! I am not so excited to be sharing this confession with you. This is a hard one for me.
The hardest job in the entire world does not come with an instruction manual. I am not sure how that came to be, but it is true. When we set off on this journey called motherhood we do so with our intuition, the support of those around us, our faith, and that is just about it.
When I learned I was going to be a mom I had so many ideas of perfection swirling inside my head. I would be a great mom. I would be attentive to my children’s needs. I would end arguments with grace and my children hugging. My children would lavish me with hugs and kisses. We would end each night hugged up with prayers, songs, and early bedtimes.
Who am I kidding? I don’t think anyone has a life like that.
Here I am knee deep in motherhood, wrought with all of it’s challenges and pitfalls. I have learned over the years that the idealistic thoughts I had on motherhood are just that – thoughts. I am not a perfect mother, in fact I often feel like a horrible mother. Want to know why? Because I yell – a lot. I hate to even admit it but I have a feeling that I am not alone in this confession. I find myself yelling when the kids are fighting, yelling when they don’t do as they are told, yelling when they are yelling. *sigh* The cycle is viscous. I want so badly to be one of those meek and quiet moms. One who can command attention with a small voice and smile. Instead I often sound like the Incredible Hulk as he stomps around letting everyone know just how angry he is.
PICK THAT UP!
IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME?!?!
Those are just some of the many things you will hear coming from my house on a near daily basis.
All of the yelling does far more damage than making my throat raw. I am afraid that over the years I have damaged my relationship with my children. More often than not I am yelling at them to make them hear me when instead I should probably be listening to what they are trying to say. I am realizing that my children are seeking attention and not the kind of attention that I am giving them. I need to stop yelling and start listening to what is going on under the surface. Are they fighting with each other because they are mad at each other or are they needing attention and fighting is one way to get it? I know that it isn’t always about me, but sometimes I wonder if my parenting struggles that lead to yelling are indeed my fault.
I honestly wish I had some wise words to insert here. Something profound to let you know just how I am going to quit yelling. I would love nothing more than to change this character flaw within myself. I am praying that over time I learn to control myself and my tongue.
What do you do that you wish you could change?